The final goodbye

When a Funeral Becomes a Feuderal: Keeping the Peace at a Final Farewell

6 September 2019 by Monica Ruiz

Not all families get along with each other. But you'd think — or at least, you'd hope that at a family funeral — the various feuding factions could put their differences aside and put on, if not a happy face, then perhaps just a tolerant face. When a family comes together to bid a final farewell to a beloved member, you don't want the day to be overshadowed by two (if not more) of the mourners who are unable to bury the hatchet and be on their best behaviour on an important day that's not actually about them. If you're making the funeral arrangements for a family member and are worried about the level of antagonism that might flare up on the day, what can you do to keep things calm and respectful?

Lay Down the Law

Discuss the matter with the various antagonists well in advance of the funeral. Be honest and open while remaining tactful, and remind them of other family occasions where their feud with the other family member has been obvious and disruptive. Implore them to remember how solemn the occasion is and that it's an opportunity for the family to come together and grieve — not for two members of the family to air their grievances. 

Seating Arrangements

Even when you've received assurances that neither of the parties will step out of line, it can be beneficial to keep them separated as much as possible. Funeral chapels don't usually have a seating plan, but you might wish to assign specific seats for everyone, with a view to keep the feuding factions apart. Discuss the matter with the funeral director, and explain your reason for wanting assigned seats. They can help you make the necessary arrangements, which can be as simple as putting place cards on the seats in the chapel.

Keep Them Sober

While you might be able to keep the problematic pair apart during the service, what about the wake? Certainly, this is a time to mingle and reflect on the life of the deceased, so ideally, the two people of concern will voluntarily stay away from each other. And yet, if their paths cross, you want this crossing to be as calm as possible. If you're at all concerned that things could easily and inappropriately escalate, consider making the wake an alcohol-free affair.

You'll want to accommodate everyone at the funeral so that the nearest and dearest of the deceased will get a chance to say goodbye. But this is a day to celebrate the life of the person you've lost, and it's important that everyone in attendance remembers that this is the entire point of the occasion.

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